The Divorce Preparation Guide

The 12 steps to prepare for divorce

Work through these in order. Check each item off as you go.

1. Step 1

   Pause, protect your safety, and get support

   Deciding to divorce is one of the most stressful choices a person can make. Before you take any legal or financial step, make sure you are physically safe and emotionally supported. Clear thinking now prevents costly mistakes later.

   • Make a safety plan if there is any risk of abuse

     If you are in danger, call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788) can help you plan how to leave safely, keep important documents ready, and learn about protective orders, which courts can issue quickly, often the same day.

   • Build a small support circle

     Choose one or two trusted friends or family members who can listen, help with childcare, or come to appointments. Avoid confiding in mutual friends who may pass information to your spouse.

   • See a therapist or counselor

     A counselor helps you manage stress and make decisions from a calm place. Many employers offer free sessions through an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Children may benefit from their own counselor later.

   • Stay quiet online

     Anything you post, like, or message can be screenshotted and used in court. Pause social media, avoid dating apps until you've talked to a lawyer, and never threaten or insult your spouse in writing.

   • Take care of the basics

     Sleep, eating well and exercise matter more than usual. You will be making financial and parenting decisions that last years — protect your capacity to make them well.

   Tip: Write down why you've decided to divorce and what outcome you want. Re-reading it helps you stay focused when emotions run high.

2. Step 2

   Secure your privacy and accounts

   Your spouse may know your passwords, share your phone plan, or have access to your devices. Conversations with your lawyer are confidential only if they stay private, so lock things down before you start.

   • Create a new, private email address

     Use a new account (for example, Gmail or Outlook) only for divorce matters and your attorney. Don't save the password on any shared device.

   • Change passwords and enable two-factor authentication

     Update passwords for email, phone, banking, retirement, social media, cloud storage (iCloud, Google Drive) and your phone's passcode. Use a password manager so you aren't reusing passwords.

   • Check for tracking and shared locations

     Review Find My / Google location sharing, shared family accounts, car apps, smart-home devices and AirTags. Remove access you don't want, but don't destroy evidence of tracking — tell your lawyer instead.

   • Secure your mail and paperwork

     Consider a P.O. box or a trusted friend's address for sensitive mail. Keep your divorce notes in a locked place or a private digital folder.

   • Don't snoop on your spouse

     Accessing your spouse's email, phone or accounts without permission can be illegal and can hurt your case. Gather only documents you have a legitimate right to see.

3. Step 3

   Learn your state's basic rules

   Divorce is governed by state law. Residency rules, waiting periods, grounds, and how property is divided all differ, and they shape where you file, how long it takes, and what you can expect.

   • Confirm the residency requirement

     Most states require you or your spouse to have lived there for a set time (often 6 weeks to 1 year) before filing. Some also require residence in the county where you file.

   • Find out about waiting or separation periods

     Many states impose a minimum time between filing and the final decree, or require spouses to live apart for a period first. This sets your earliest possible finish date.

   • Understand how property is divided

     Community-property states generally split marital property 50/50. Equitable-distribution states divide it 'fairly,' considering things like income, length of marriage and contributions. Property owned before marriage or inherited is often treated separately.

   • Know the grounds for divorce

     All states allow no-fault divorce (for example, 'irreconcilable differences'). Some also allow fault grounds like adultery or cruelty, which can occasionally affect support or property.

   • Bookmark your court's self-help center

     Your county family court website usually has forms, filing fees, fee-waiver information and local rules. Our state pages link to these resources.

4. Step 4

   Gather financial documents

   Property division, child support, alimony, and even legal fees depend on a clear financial picture. Collecting copies now — while you have easy access — is much faster and cheaper than forcing them out through formal discovery later.

   • Tax returns (last 3–5 years)

     Include all schedules, W-2s, 1099s and K-1s. Tax returns are the starting point for every financial analysis and often reveal accounts, businesses, or income you didn't know about.

   • Proof of income for both spouses

     Recent pay stubs, year-end pay statements, and records of bonuses, commissions, stock options, RSUs, rental income and side businesses.

   • Bank, credit card and investment statements

     Collect 12–36 months for every checking, savings, brokerage, crypto and credit card account — joint or individual. Statements show spending patterns and unusual transfers.

   • Retirement and pension records

     Latest statements for 401(k)s, IRAs, pensions and deferred compensation. Note the balance on the date of marriage if you can find it — it may be separate property.

   • Real estate and vehicle documents

     Deeds, mortgage and home-equity statements, property tax bills, leases, vehicle titles and loan statements. A recent appraisal or online estimate helps value the home.

   • Business records

     If either spouse owns a business: business tax returns, profit-and-loss statements, balance sheets, ownership agreements and payroll records. Business valuation is often one of the biggest issues in a divorce.

   • Insurance and estate documents

     Life, health, home and auto policies; beneficiary designations; wills, trusts and powers of attorney.

   • Marital agreements

     Any prenuptial or postnuptial agreement. These can control how property and support are handled, so your lawyer needs to see them early.

   • Store copies safely

     Scan or photograph everything and keep it in a private cloud folder or with a trusted person. Leave originals in place — removing them can cause conflict.

   Tip: Create a folder for each category (Income, Banking, Retirement, Property, Debts, Children). Your lawyer will thank you — and you'll pay for fewer billable hours.

5. Step 5

   Build a picture of your assets, debts and budget

   Knowing what you own, what you owe and what it costs to live lets you evaluate settlement offers and support requests with confidence instead of guessing.

   • List every asset

     Home, other real estate, vehicles, bank and investment accounts, retirement plans, business interests, jewelry, art, collectibles, crypto, frequent-flyer points and money owed to you. Include approximate values and whose name each is in.

   • Flag separate property

     Note anything you owned before marriage, inherited, or received as a personal gift, and gather proof (old statements, inheritance letters). Mixing it into joint accounts can change its status, so record how it was used.

   • List every debt

     Mortgages, car loans, student loans, credit cards, medical bills, personal loans and tax debts — with lender, balance, monthly payment and whose name it is in.

   • Write your current monthly budget

     Track real spending for at least one month: housing, utilities, food, transportation, insurance, childcare, medical, debt payments and personal costs. Courts often require a financial affidavit with these numbers.

   • Project a post-divorce budget

     Estimate what it will cost to run your own household. This is key for deciding whether to keep the house and how much support you may need or pay.

   • Check your credit report

     Get free reports at annualcreditreport.com from all three bureaus. Look for joint accounts, unknown debts, or recent activity you didn't authorize.

6. Step 6

   Protect your financial footing

   You will need your own credit and access to money during the process. At the same time, courts expect both spouses to preserve marital assets, so act carefully.

   • Open accounts in your own name

     Open an individual checking account and a credit card to build or maintain your own credit history. Have your paycheck deposited there if your lawyer agrees.

   • Keep joint bills current

     Late payments on joint debts hurt both spouses' credit. Continue paying the mortgage, utilities and joint cards until a court order or agreement says otherwise.

   • Don't hide, move or waste marital money

     Draining accounts, making big purchases, or giving money away can lead to penalties and lost credibility with the judge. Many states issue automatic orders that forbid this once a case is filed.

   • Ask before closing or changing accounts

     Removing your spouse from insurance, closing joint cards, or changing beneficiaries may be restricted. Get your lawyer's advice first.

   • Set aside funds for legal costs

     Lawyers usually require a retainer. If you have no access to funds, ask your attorney about requesting that your spouse contribute to fees — many states allow it.

7. Step 7

   Plan for your children

   Courts decide custody based on the 'best interests of the child.' Judges look favorably on parents who are involved, organized, and willing to cooperate with the other parent.

   • Document each child's routine and needs

     Write down schools, teachers, activities, doctors, medications, special needs, friends and daily routines. This shows your involvement and helps build a realistic parenting plan.

   • Keep a caregiving journal

     Note who handles school drop-offs, homework, meals, bedtime, doctor visits and activities. Keep it factual and calm — it may be shared in court.

   • Draft a proposed parenting schedule

     Think about weekdays, weekends, holidays, birthdays, school breaks and summer. Common schedules include 2-2-3, alternating weeks, or every-other-weekend arrangements.

   • Plan how to tell the children

     If it's safe, tell them together, in age-appropriate words, without blame. Reassure them that it's not their fault and that both parents love them.

   • Protect the children from conflict

     Never use them as messengers, ask them to choose sides, or criticize the other parent in front of them. Judges take this seriously.

   • Consider co-parenting tools

     Apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents keep communication organized and create a record that courts trust.

8. Step 8

   Decide on your housing plan

   Where everyone lives during and after the divorce affects custody, support and property division. Decisions made now can set patterns the court relies on later.

   • Talk to a lawyer before moving out

     In some states, leaving the home can affect your custody position or your claim to the house. If you must leave for safety, do so — and tell your lawyer right away.

   • Compare keeping vs. selling the home

     Add up the mortgage, taxes, insurance, maintenance and repairs. Ask whether you could refinance in your name alone and still afford your other expenses.

   • Research your alternatives

     Look at rental prices, school districts and commute times in areas you'd consider. This makes support and parenting discussions more concrete.

   • Plan for personal property

     Photograph or video the home's contents and note items of special value or sentimental importance. This helps prevent disputes over furniture, heirlooms and valuables.

9. Step 9

   Choose your divorce path

   Not every divorce ends in a courtroom battle. The process you choose has a bigger effect on cost, timeline and stress than almost any other decision.

   • Uncontested / do-it-yourself

     Best when you agree on everything and have few assets and no complex issues. You complete court forms yourselves, sometimes with a lawyer reviewing the final agreement. Lowest cost.

   • Mediation

     A neutral mediator helps you both reach agreement on property, support and parenting. Each spouse can still consult their own lawyer. Usually much cheaper and faster than litigation.

   • Collaborative divorce

     Each spouse hires a collaboratively trained lawyer, and everyone signs an agreement to settle outside court. Financial experts or coaches may join the team.

   • Traditional negotiation and litigation

     Lawyers negotiate on each side, and a judge decides anything you can't agree on. Necessary when there is abuse, hidden assets, or a spouse who won't cooperate. Highest cost and longest timeline.

   Tip: You can change paths. Many cases start in litigation and settle in mediation, or start in mediation and need a lawyer for a single issue.

10. Step 10

    Find and consult a divorce lawyer

    Even if you expect a friendly divorce, one consultation helps you understand your rights before you agree to anything. A good lawyer can spot issues — like retirement division or tax consequences — that are expensive to fix later.

    • Look for family-law focus and local experience

      Choose attorneys who handle divorce regularly in your county. They know the local judges, procedures and typical outcomes.

    • Meet with two or three attorneys

      Many offer low-cost or free initial consultations. Compare how each explains your options and whether you feel comfortable working with them.

    • Ask about fees in detail

      Learn the hourly rate, retainer amount, billing increments, and who else (paralegals, junior attorneys) will bill time. Ask for a realistic cost range for a case like yours.

    • Bring your documents and notes

      Use the 'What a lawyer will ask you' section below. Organized clients get better advice in less time.

    • Get the agreement in writing

      Before you hire, review the written fee agreement carefully and ask questions about anything unclear.

11. Step 11

    File, serve, and handle temporary orders

    This is when the case officially begins. Temporary orders set the rules — support, custody, who lives in the home — while the divorce is pending, and they often influence the final result.

    • File the petition or complaint

      Your lawyer (or you) files the opening document with the court and pays the filing fee. If you can't afford it, ask the clerk about a fee waiver.

    • Serve your spouse

      Your spouse must be formally notified, usually by a sheriff, a professional process server, or by signing an acceptance of service. They then have a set number of days to respond.

    • Request temporary orders if needed

      Ask the court for temporary child custody, child support, spousal support, use of the home or vehicles, or payment of bills while the case is open.

    • Complete financial disclosures

      Most states require both spouses to exchange sworn financial statements within a deadline. Be complete and honest — false statements can lead to serious penalties.

    • Attend required classes

      Many states require parents to take a co-parenting or parenting-after-divorce class before the case can finish.

12. Step 12

    Negotiate, settle, and finalize

    The vast majority of divorces end in a written settlement that the court approves, not a trial. Careful review at this stage protects you for years to come.

    • Exchange information (discovery)

      Each side may request documents, answer written questions, or give testimony under oath (depositions). This ensures both spouses know the full financial picture.

    • Negotiate and mediate

      Review offers with your lawyer, weigh tax consequences and long-term costs, and attend mediation or settlement conferences as needed.

    • Review the final agreement carefully

      Check every number, date and account. Make sure it covers property, debts, support, custody, taxes, insurance and who pays which legal fees.

    • Obtain the final decree

      Once the judge signs the judgment or decree, your divorce is final. Get several certified copies — you'll need them for banks, the DMV and name changes.

    • Complete the post-divorce checklist

      Divide retirement accounts with a QDRO, refinance or retitle property and vehicles, update your will and beneficiaries, change your name if desired, and update health insurance and tax withholding.

Frequently asked questions

How long does a divorce take?

It depends on your state's waiting period and how much you agree on. Uncontested divorces can finish in a few months; contested cases often take a year or more.

How much does a divorce cost?

Costs range from court filing fees only (often a few hundred dollars) for a simple uncontested case to tens of thousands of dollars for contested litigation. Mediation usually costs less than going to trial.

Do I need a lawyer?

You aren't required to have one, but a consultation is strongly recommended when you have children, a home, retirement accounts, a business, or a spouse who has hired a lawyer.

Should I move out of the house?

Talk to a lawyer first. In some states, moving out can affect custody arrangements or your position on the home.

Can I get divorced if my spouse doesn't agree?

Yes. Every state allows some form of no-fault divorce, so one spouse cannot block a divorce indefinitely — though they can contest the terms.

What is the difference between community property and equitable distribution?

Community-property states generally split marital property 50/50. Equitable-distribution states divide it fairly, which may not mean equally.

How is child support calculated?

Each state uses a formula based mainly on both parents' incomes and the parenting schedule. Your state's court website usually has a calculator.

Will I get alimony or have to pay it?

It depends on the length of the marriage, each spouse's income and earning ability, and your state's laws. Many divorces include no alimony at all.

What should I NOT do while preparing for divorce?

Don't hide or drain money, run up joint debt, post about the divorce online, involve the children in conflict, or sign anything without understanding it.

Is my consultation with a lawyer confidential?

Generally, yes — communications with a lawyer you consult for legal advice are typically protected, even if you don't hire them.